this autumn

i woke up with my bandana over my eyes – it is always on me.  to give my eyes rest from processing visual.  to keep it darker during my early morning awakenings.   sometimes i put it on as well at night because the soft pressure comforts my painful eyes.

when i took it off, the autumn sun was streaming through the window.  i was not so sure how i would feel as my favorite season approached.  now so much sicker than a year ago.   but the sun…  was still my autumn sun that i love so well.  the way it saturates & deepens the colors at this time of year as it shifts in the sky.  the way it makes the shadows feel somehow deeper as well.

i always have to move slowly.  in the mornings i have to take my meds with a lot of water with electrolytes to increase my blood volume.  i know soon, i will be unable to be outside at all.  i know as well, how blessed i am for every opportunity to be out.  many with ME cannot.  
i am allowed to be out very briefly.  like all things – physical, cognitive, sensory – i must take care to allow in small segments of minutes.  with rest interspersed, but with rest being where i am most of the time.

this brisk morning, i sat out.  & the cardinal family who has kept me company all summer joined me.  as did the nuthatches, the finches, & the blue jays.
i started to weep.  but it was not out of sorrow or grief.  it was an immense feeling of gratitude for being blessed with all of this.  the autumn sun.  my dog.  being out with the sounds, smells, the feel of the wind.   i do not know what will be allowed to me in the future.  i do not dwell in what my autumns used to be, when i walked my dog through the woods.  every step a blessing.  a prayer.  a meditation.  bearing witness to this wonder of life.  under the canopy of my beloved trees.

i only know that every moment still given to me is still that blessing.  that prayer.  that meditation, the chance to bear witness to the gifts of being alive.