have awakened quite ill today. as i suspected, the thrashing of my ANS as well as perhaps other factors dropped me. yesterday my brain was inflamed &/or heightened neuro activity or whatever- really, with a train screaming in my auditory. by evening, my vision broke up – an ocular migraine. i took my meds for the night. & after about a half hour – sat out briefly just so i could feel the wind on my face. & see the sky mix of wispy clouds & stars. even with the cold snap, lingering summer insects singing. how many nights .. in this lifetime i have been granted… to be out under such skies.
me.. trying of find a way to center myself. as the train in my head turned into fire alarms in my ears.
no full blown migraine. fortunately. but today i am barely alive, with that deep fatigue. weak. nauseous. my eyes, sinuses, ears hurt. & there is the seemingly ever present pressure that is always somewhere in my head to varying degrees.
i can tell you – it is a gorgeous autumn day. in brief glimpses from where i lay i can see it. before i sink back… into letting this be what it is.. & allowing it to go wherever it will take me. last night i had a brief desire to cry.. to hate this. illness. but, while i have to honor those times, i understand just as well that i always have to come back to what is. & somehow work with that, no matter how awful. no matter that there are no signposts ahead. it is all groundlessness anyway, they say. this illness teaches that over & over again.
unable to really do anything but lie here with eyes closed.. i managed a glance at an article & this jumped out at me:
“We can express our desire for support and try to find the balance between working to have our lives move in a certain way and the generosity of heart that allows us to be okay with what is. In that balance, that spaciousness, we can begin to understand the meaning of real love.”
& just now, after writing this, i shakily got up to let the dog out. sat briefly on the back step. usually i am in rest all afternoon & the light of afternoon is always the hardest on my eyes. i looked up. into the beautiful spaciousness of what is.
& with that gift. now close my eyes. again.