home

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it’s been a bit of a hard week emotionally.  & i learned this week as well that there is a promising opportunity for a new place to live.  

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i am never very good at goodbyes.  i moved here in oct of 2009.  such a beautiful home.  i thought i would live here until i died.  & every day i woke up feeling so blessed.  that i would say it aloud on my walks – i can’t believe i live here.  i am so so lucky. my husband said that too, for awhile.  then i noticed.. he stopped…

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we started out with great plans.  like this “64 vespa – i was going to get a sidecar for trixie.  my husband was going to get it running for me. & that never happened. but lots of other things did.  not many of them good.

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& yet, throughout, i still woke up feeling blessed.  even as my health & my marriage deteriorated.  i had this beautiful place to be.  this beautiful neighborhood to walk in.  times to sit by the water.  taking my dog to play with the other goldens in the neighborhood.  i even loved the way the old 1924 windows opened up to the world.   there is a balcony on the back with a gorgeous view.  & a back porch.  beautiful architectural details.  a lovely place.  we were only the 3rd owners – the 1st was a couple who lived in it for years – an actor & an artist.   the 2nd, a family that.. fell apart & thus the house came on the market under difficult circumstances.

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when we moved in, i joked about the fact that the main bedroom had storm clouds on the ceiling.  little did i know the storms that would be ahead.   when i collapsed into severe ME in early march of 2014, on the heels of increasing stress, holding onto things i so needed to let go of…  circumstances kept chasing me around the house.  the 1st time – it was water damage that went from the upstairs into the kitchen.  & suddenly i was needing to flee – to my aunt’s house – she had just returned to the state.   it was maybe 3 months in & i remember thinking i can’t go back.  i took one last look & said goodbye.

but i had to go back.  i couldn’t stay there & i had nowhere else to go – no family or friends who could take a very sick me in.

things got worse.  odd things kept happening in the house, moving me from room to room.  & my marriage… well..  it’s best to not say too much.  only that by oct, the anniversary of moving into this home, a series of traumatic events finally forced my hand  to do what really needed to be done all along.  it came at great cost.  my husband did leave.  but i was left much sicker.  forced to move my bed downstairs since i lost more function..  that i thought i would get back..

i kept thinking that..  if i just rest.  & i just wait… with peace..  will come healing.  & i will start to reclaim some life.

it hasn’t quite happened that way.  & i have known for awhile that it is not practical to stay here.  as much as my soul is sustained by the light & the trees & the smallest of details that most people would never notice.

i am still not so good at goodbyes.  but i so pray i am better at letting go.

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2 thoughts on “home

  1. It is a beautiful house. Thank you for sharing all that it means to you. So sorry you must give it up. I pray you can make a new place feel like home with your artwork and your personal items. Home is a lovely concept to ponder, it is much more than a house. You will take your memories and maybe leave some too. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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