it’s been a bit of a hard week emotionally. & i learned this week as well that there is a promising opportunity for a new place to live.
i am never very good at goodbyes. i moved here in oct of 2009. such a beautiful home. i thought i would live here until i died. & every day i woke up feeling so blessed. that i would say it aloud on my walks – i can’t believe i live here. i am so so lucky. my husband said that too, for awhile. then i noticed.. he stopped…
we started out with great plans. like this “64 vespa – i was going to get a sidecar for trixie. my husband was going to get it running for me. & that never happened. but lots of other things did. not many of them good.
& yet, throughout, i still woke up feeling blessed. even as my health & my marriage deteriorated. i had this beautiful place to be. this beautiful neighborhood to walk in. times to sit by the water. taking my dog to play with the other goldens in the neighborhood. i even loved the way the old 1924 windows opened up to the world. there is a balcony on the back with a gorgeous view. & a back porch. beautiful architectural details. a lovely place. we were only the 3rd owners – the 1st was a couple who lived in it for years – an actor & an artist. the 2nd, a family that.. fell apart & thus the house came on the market under difficult circumstances.
when we moved in, i joked about the fact that the main bedroom had storm clouds on the ceiling. little did i know the storms that would be ahead. when i collapsed into severe ME in early march of 2014, on the heels of increasing stress, holding onto things i so needed to let go of… circumstances kept chasing me around the house. the 1st time – it was water damage that went from the upstairs into the kitchen. & suddenly i was needing to flee – to my aunt’s house – she had just returned to the state. it was maybe 3 months in & i remember thinking i can’t go back. i took one last look & said goodbye.
but i had to go back. i couldn’t stay there & i had nowhere else to go – no family or friends who could take a very sick me in.
things got worse. odd things kept happening in the house, moving me from room to room. & my marriage… well.. it’s best to not say too much. only that by oct, the anniversary of moving into this home, a series of traumatic events finally forced my hand to do what really needed to be done all along. it came at great cost. my husband did leave. but i was left much sicker. forced to move my bed downstairs since i lost more function.. that i thought i would get back..
i kept thinking that.. if i just rest. & i just wait… with peace.. will come healing. & i will start to reclaim some life.
it hasn’t quite happened that way. & i have known for awhile that it is not practical to stay here. as much as my soul is sustained by the light & the trees & the smallest of details that most people would never notice.
i am still not so good at goodbyes. but i so pray i am better at letting go.