begin again


the housing opportunity yesterday didn’t work out.  it is hard for someone with my kind of sensitivities to find safe shelter.  i immediately reacted.  & i could tell my aunt was disappointed.  i wanted to talk myself into it, but knew better.

i got to see a bit of my neighborhood again on the drive there.  along my old walking path.  it looked as glorious as i remembered it in fall splendor.  last year when i saw my old walking path on a drive, i immediately was plunged into deep grief.  this year, such a different reaction.  the brief glimpse was feeding my soul rather than feeling like a huge hole/loss.

having to be out of the house, interacting with people, getting exposed to whatever was at that house was a bit hard.  plus i had to do stairs.. to the basement.  so by evening, whenever the neighbor decided to cut his grass in the dark, i was a bit of a mess.

but today woke up to the sound of rain.  & the way the colors change against the gray outside.  i know i sound nuts, but ..there is a different vibrational quality.. sometimes it heightens my senses in an exquisite way.  other times it just hammers me.  today was more of the former.  & i was grateful.

i have seemed to be able to do a bit more physically lately.  it may be the new drug.  or luck.  but i am grateful to have navigated a hard week as well as i have.

today trixie had to stay with me while kathy left for an event.  i had trained trixie to stay in the yard.  but now that kathy is her primary bond, she wants to wander back there.  i try to watch, but she eluded me tonight.  & i had to yell several times for her – which is really hard for someone who doesn’t talk & has so little energy.  then… she came.. but … almost got hit by a car.  that..  was pretty emotionally draining.  all i could do is come back inside..  & lie back down.. shaking, but grateful that she is safely lying at my feet.

i rest.. & soon figure out how to get up & get myself dinner.  it is so hard.  to be so limited & have to rely on others for almost everything.  every single thing that i can still do for myself is huge, even if it is so little compared to someone healthy.  i almost want to cry right now, not out of loss, but of what is still allowed to me.  that i can stand.  walk a bit in the house.  get my meals.  brush my teeth. wash my face.  these things… are all… undertaken with the mindfulness of prayer with each step or action.

i am free associating.  this post started one way & the brain is starting to need rest.

on facebook yesterday, an old photo came up with the caption from last year: begin again

i rarely am on the newsfeed on fb – but just now this poem came up.  called “begin”
”Begin again to the summoning birds
to the sight of the light at the window,
begin to the roar of morning traffic
all along Pembroke Road.
Every beginning is a promise
born in light and dying in dark
determination and exaltation of springtime
flowering the way to work.
Begin to the pageant of queuing girls
the arrogant loneliness of swans in the canal
bridges linking the past and future
old friends passing though with us still.
Begin to the loneliness that cannot end
since it perhaps is what makes us begin,
begin to wonder at unknown faces
at crying birds in the sudden rain
at branches stark in the willing sunlight
at seagulls foraging for bread
at couples sharing a sunny secret
alone together while making good.
Though we live in a world that dreams of ending
that always seems about to give in
something that will not acknowledge conclusion
insists that we forever begin.” ~ Brendan Kennelly


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