photo by detroit artist stephen magsig
tonight symptoms are not so severe to have me down in complete rest, but just enough to cause mood distortion & other things. i managed to eat a bit, sharing it with trixie, of course. & thought about the darkness & approaching winter. & how very hard this is sometimes.
the cold weather has already forced me indoors for the most part. though i realize that the ability to sit out a bit in good weather is a huge gift that many with severe ME do not get. being outside is so important to my soul. as the seasons shift, i try to focus on the things still here – the sounds of the church bells, the trains, the freighter horns, the rain, the wind, my dog snoring/breathing, the radiators coming to life. most of the birds are now gone. the cardinal fledgling that kept me company every dinner has moved on.
i feel a bit scared. i relapsed a few times last winter without knowing why, only to learn that it isn’t unusual. but fear doesn’t get me anywhere. perhaps the hardest thing is being alone. i know this to be true because just writing that made me cry a bit. i am lucky to have some dear online friends, though i can’t communicate much or chat. but they hold my hand.
in my day to day life, i belong to no one. i know i am not unusual in that case, though most people would have family. i am lucky to have a few loved ones that do things for me. without that i don’t know how i would manage at all. i often go many days & weeks with little to no human contact. mostly i am so focused on basic survival, dealing with symptoms, & ways to remain connected to life that i don’t let myself wander too far into the weary dark aloneness.
i caught myself .. starting down that road. then i looked up & saw the way the clouds moved across the moon. please, keep going. please, stay…….. it seemed to say to me….tonight….. & with that i also remembered all the evenings i chased the full moon on my bike as it rose so slowly above the water, trees, & rooftops.