the moon tonight

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photo by detroit artist stephen magsig

tonight symptoms are not so severe to have me down in complete rest, but just enough to cause mood distortion & other things.  i managed to eat a bit, sharing it with trixie, of course.  & thought about the darkness & approaching winter.  & how very hard this is sometimes.

the cold weather has already forced me indoors for the most part.  though i realize that the ability to sit out a bit in good weather is a huge gift that many with severe ME do not get.  being outside is so important to my soul.  as the seasons shift, i try to focus on the things still here – the sounds of the church bells, the trains, the freighter horns, the rain, the wind, my dog snoring/breathing, the radiators coming to life.  most of the birds are now gone.  the cardinal fledgling that kept me company every dinner has moved on.

i feel a bit scared.  i relapsed a few times last winter without knowing why, only to learn that it isn’t unusual.  but fear doesn’t get me anywhere.  perhaps the hardest thing is being alone.  i know this to be true because just writing that made me cry a bit.  i am lucky to have some dear online friends, though i can’t communicate much or chat.  but they hold my hand.

in my day to day life, i belong to no one.  i know i am not unusual in that case, though most people would have family.  i am lucky to have a few loved ones that do things for me.  without that i don’t know how i would manage at all.  i often go many days & weeks with little to no human contact.   mostly i am so focused on basic survival, dealing with symptoms, & ways to remain connected to life that i don’t let myself wander too far into the weary dark aloneness.

i caught myself .. starting down that road.  then i looked up & saw the way the clouds moved across the moon.   please, keep going.  please, stay…….. it seemed to say to me….tonight…..  & with that i also remembered all the evenings i chased the full moon on my bike as it rose so slowly above the water, trees, & rooftops.

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