on the cusp of november

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i made the mistake of crawling up to the 2nd floor.  & immediately regretted it.  pressure at the base of my skull.  watery eyes.  nasal congestion.  except for that bath, i hadn’t been up in the rooms in over a year.  no one aired it out during the summer.  my ex was supposed to be at least flushing the toilets to keep the sewer gas from escaping.  it hadn’t been cleaned in forever.

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instead of feeling like it was some accomplishment. or that, if i survive it ok, that i may be able to use the rooms.  it just felt so utterly depressing.  abandonment.  decay.  dead.  haunted.  by all the things that went on up there – the dreams that were there, the realities that came to be.  made tangible by the dust & emptiness.

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there once was life up there.  just like there once was life… in me.

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and now.  where does one go … from here….. when there is nowhere to go & the winds of november begin to blow.

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2 thoughts on “on the cusp of november

  1. Beautiful photos of the windows of your house. Windows are so important when we are very ill. Though we sit inside our dark room with stuffy air they remind us of where we once walked and where we hope to walk again in the light. I hope you will feel the life return to your house and to your being one day soon. Your expression of what it feels like to be in illness, in the midst of longing for better days is exquisite as are you.

    Liked by 1 person

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