i had been improving slowly, i think because of the drug i started slowly a couple of months ago. i started being able to do more across all realms – physically, sensory, cognitively. though more for me is still.. so little compared to normal. but it was very heartening. & the only person who really sees me – kathy – noticed i was looking better.
kathy is also the dear neighbor & friend who so graciously took in my beloved dog a year ago when i found myself newly alone & sicker & unable to care for her. i would have had to have given trixie away. & kathy gave me the gift.. of allowing her to stay in my life.
it was hard at first to watch the bonding transfer. but i was barely able to care for myself. i was too sick to really interact with trixie. i knew this was the best thing for her.
as the months have gone on & i have remained at basically the same baseline of illness, sometimes going up a bit or then dropping – as i am now – dropping as i go through a period where i have difficulty sleeping, i have remained so grateful that i can see trixie. even though i am … someone she is not connected to in the same ways we used to be. she will still lie with me in the afternoons while they are at work. but mostly she waits for kathy or the young girl or mike – the people who walk & play with her. she adores them. & she loves kathy most of all – it is such joy… the moment the 2 are together.
& most days, that brings me joy. when i am sicker & struggling more emotionally, that is harder. lack of sleep messes with my head as well. so i am not in the best of places physically or emotionally.
the day here is beautiful for november. i have had to pull back on all activity – back pretty much to just feeding self – to try to stabilize my sleep & stop from declining further. it’s hard to find myself back here – but it is the nature of the disease. & i have to accept that & build better emotional resiliency for these times when i worsen. it can be so easy to get scared & speculate instead of just staying in the admittedly difficult present.
some days, i just want to run from this. i just want to wake up & be someone else. & i know that each time i find myself there – it makes it all worse. this really is a buddhist disease – one has to submit & accept & be. just with whatever is present. knowing that there is no ground under my feet.
my head hurts a lot today & i am very fatigued. i have spent the day mostly with eyes closed. when i got up to eat, i looked outside at all the people walking & raking leaves. usually i am ok with all of that. then i looked over & saw kathy & trixie playing. she is now fully their dog. she spends the weekends & all other times that they are not working with them. & today. the contrast of their joy & my suffering. was just so so hard. this disease takes so much away. i try so hard to stay connected to what still is. to remain grateful. & i think most of the time i do ok with that.
& then.. there are days of such sadness. this. is one of those days.
“Be patient with sadness.
Let it come closer, let it engulf you if it must
Until there is no division between ‘self’ and ‘sadness’.
Until you cannot call it ‘sadness’ at all.
Until there is only intimacy.
Sadness keeps you soft and flexible.
It reminds you, when you have forgotten,
of the beautiful fragility underneath all things.
In the softness of the heart lies its capacity to love.
Sadness is not the opposite of joy, but its gateway.”
– Jeff Foster
kathy & trixie ❤