love is everything

last night i got a late night text from my ex bearing bad news.  this night, in my few lucid moments, i wrote to the woman who has been a mother to me for  25 years.  that is for as long as i had my own mom, who died just after her 56th birthday, just as i myself was soon to turn 25.

perhaps being so ill gives one a different connection to both life & to death.  age does as well, i think.  i lost my parents so young.  & with some measure of trauma & of seeing in their eyes such fear. & being unable to hold space with them, to provide comfort, to make love tangible.  we simply were not a family who touched or who spoke of difficult things or feelings.

living in a densely populated community, where one has some degree of closeness with so many people – i lost people under all sorts of circumstances:  illness, violence, accidents, suicides, drunk drivers, old age.  i think living there gave me such a vivid life & death experience every day – that it brought that fragile line to the forefront – though who i am temperamentally walked that line a lot anyway.   death became part of life in a way that was real & not distant & not scary.  sad.. sorrowful.. tragic sometimes..  but it allowed me to grow in such a way, to get close to death & the dying & to be fully present in authentic ways.

things didn’t work out with my marriage, but i was blessed that my in-laws loved me so much.  & took me in so willingly as their daughter-in-law.  even though i was the odd person in the family.  they always treated me with such love & respect.

when my father-in-law developed alzheimers…. we lost him piece by piece. coincidentally while i was also losing my health mysteriously piece by piece.  i watched the way his family cared for him.  & i watched the way they helped him to die.  without pain. in the house he built for he & his new wife.  on the property he roamed as a child & farmed as an adult.  & he died surrounded by all of his loved ones.  it was a very moving experience to me, the gentle way he was walked home.

my ME brain can’t remain linear & i am not sure where i was going – my brain is now shutting off…..

i love this woman…  who has been my mother to me for so very long.  i now know how to hold space.  how to be present (as much as my disease allows at any given second).  how to be authentic.  & how….  to walk someone home…..

as i was looking for a photo of her & i together, i came across something i wrote in 2011:

what if
inner peace
cosmic connectedness
are solely in our minds?
not divine.
or is that still divine?

i want to believe.
that in the face of nothing.
love is everything.

EPSON DSC picture


6 thoughts on “love is everything

  1. What a wonderful photo–so much enjoyment in it; so much delight. I am sorry for the bad news about someone dear to you. Death isn’t something I’ve quite come to terms with yet–not my own mortality, so much, but the absence left in loved ones’ wake. My grandfather died when I was 7, and sometimes I still feel a 7-year-old’s bewilderment. So your words present a kind of…wholesome, sound alternative. Thank you for that. To walk someone gently home. May the walk with your mother-in-law go easy for her.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. thank you, stacy. “the absence left in a loved ones’ wake” – yes, so hard.. this profound grief… i have so few left still connected to me now. being so sick & losing so much.. just is like working daily with grief & loss & death.. i am glad that this resonated in some way. i had many happy years with my mil. she has a strong faith. she trusts she is in God’s hands.

    she will be walked gently home when the time comes. by so many who love her. that is a beautiful blessing.


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