i have been in a crash. which means an exacerbation of all my symptoms & worsening of my condition. crashes are short-lived. but they are scary & discouraging. one doesn’t always know if it is a crash (temporary) or relapse (drop in baseline functioning that may be permanent or long term). only time tells.
for me it means i am dropped back into a sea of nothingness. up only to eat & use restroom. brief peeks at computer. brief written or verbal interaction. then back down under the weight of the illness & what it gives me.
i have felt anguish & despair. i want to run, flee. i desperately want to put ground under my feet. for someone to say all will be ok. i wish desperately to be someone else. i think – no more.. i cannot continue to bear this. this is no life. there is no reason to continue.
the moment i resist. the moment i sink or give in or fight or flee.. it all worsens. the hardest thing to do is to “hold one’s seat.’ to experience the feelings. but to not feed them. to just be. with the moment, no matter how hard the string of moments have felt. to jump ahead or to look back is simply unbearable. how difficult it is to lean in & open to it. & let it be what it is.
i only have this moment.
gratitude practice at this level is very elemental. grateful for shelter. this bed. a roof over my head. food. my dog. my brief ability to stand & take a few steps. that i can still feed self. & brush my teeth. & use the restroom. grateful to be mostly sleeping. grateful my body is mostly digesting ok. sometimes i can look out the windows.
this is a lot to write right now. so must stop. but this post was prompted by a visit from the man who cleans my gutters. last year he returned my check in the mail after having prayed with me while here. he remembered me from the prior year & had wondered what had happened.
today he also did not want to take money. then after a bit of arguing, wanted just a little to pay his crew. i gave him more & folded the check. in our brief interaction he wondered if i was better. & the truth is i am worse than a year ago. but i told him i have been blessed to have a wonderful doctor. & that perhaps… i may reclaim some life.. yet.. we cannot know. we can hope.
he said, “i will continue to pray for healing for you. & if you cannot be healed. i pray for God to give you the strength to bear this with grace.”
…….the strength to bear this with grace…. simply reduces me to tears right now. i pray so……
“It’s easy to be a naive idealist. It’s easy to be a cynical realist. It’s quite another thing to have no illusions and still hold the inner flame.”
~Marie-Louise von Franz