this is who i used to be, not so long ago, but so long ago
then one night, i collapsed & i knew then everything had broken. i couldn’t move or speak for a few hours. i thought to take a picture of that night. & how scared i was. & how i knew something had dramatically changed forever.
the truth is, even though i knew i had gone severe with ME, i thought i would recover. i thought i would walk my dog again. i thought a lot of things. i hadn’t expected to continue to decline. just like i never expected to collapse severe.
i’ve only made it this far because of my doctor. without her, i would already be gone. no doctor here would touch me or know what to do with me or prescribe the meds i need just to be able to sleep.
i’ve been in a period of darkness & decline for over a month. this photo below was taken just before i relapsed. right after i had started to see real improvements. lost… quickly… & dropped to lower baseline, where i continue to sink. struggling to do my basic activities of daily living. then in rest – with eyes closed or staring out the windows or at the wall. or holding my dog as i lie there.
i think it seems fitting to end the blog here. right after remembering cay & her suffering. i try hard every day to wake up & face this. & accept. & be grateful i am somehow still able to feed self. i am on the edge of not being able to do that. if i fall off of that edge i am in trouble as there is no caregiver. & no funds for one. & the truth is, where i have been this last month, is not a life worth living. it is a living death. where almost everything is taken from you.
there was a moment tonight when i let trixie in & it was lightly snowing. & i softly brushed the snow through her hair as i hugged her. & then i cried.
i did all the things i needed to do. i let my husband go so he & i could both be free from what our marriage had become. i gave my dog away because i could no longer care for her. my friend who took her has been one of my angels. i will forever be grateful to her.
just as i will forever be grateful for the beautiful friends i have made online. & i am grateful to the few people who have remained in my life out of obligation & who have helped to provide all of the things i can’t do for myself. it is hard for them to see what i have become. i wish to be no burden on anyone. i yearn to set them free.
& i am sorry to who i have hurt. who i let into my life at a time of deep illness, thinking i could be something/someone more than i am. that i could still be capable of things like love. never did i wish to cause pain. i so pray that with letting go will come healing.
then the last thing i need to do is set myself free. i pray for courage. & some measure of dignity.
to those i love & who love me – you are forever in my heart. always with peace. always with love.