the end

this is who i used to be, not so long ago, but so long ago

154230_1604335362685_6240378_n-1    & this is who i was 2 years ago 12295412_10206990408113065_1334119791545570786_n

then one night, i collapsed & i knew then everything had broken.  i couldn’t move or speak for a few hours.  i thought to take a picture of that night.  & how scared i was.  & how i knew something had dramatically changed forever.

14729_10205198524437093_5219526497946458631_nthe truth is, even though i knew i had gone severe with ME, i thought i would recover.  i thought i would walk my dog again.  i thought a lot of things.  i hadn’t expected to continue to decline.  just like i never expected to collapse severe.

i’ve only made it this far because of my doctor.  without her, i would already be gone.  no doctor here would touch me or know what to do with me or prescribe the meds i need just to be able to sleep.

i’ve been in a period of darkness & decline for over a month.  this photo below was taken just before i relapsed.  right after i had started to see real improvements.  lost… quickly… & dropped to lower baseline, where i continue to sink.  struggling to do my basic activities of daily living.  then in rest – with eyes closed or staring out the windows or at the wall.  or holding my dog as i lie there.

12390903_10207105777917238_5913468120144049748_ni had 2 days this month where i had blips of adrenaline. & i did too much & sank myself further.

12510374_10207209689634966_7282279154854751298_n-1 i think it seems fitting to end the blog here.  right after remembering cay & her suffering.  i try hard every day to wake up & face this.  & accept. & be grateful i am somehow still able to feed self.  i am on the edge of not being able to do that.  if i fall off of that edge i am in trouble as there is no caregiver.  & no funds for one.  & the truth is, where i have been this last month, is not a life worth living.  it is a living death.  where almost everything is taken from you.

there was a moment tonight when i let trixie in & it was lightly snowing.  & i softly brushed the snow through her hair as i hugged her.  & then i cried.

12647371_10207360595767525_2029669938456285880_ni did all the things i needed to do.  i let my husband go so he & i could both be free from what our marriage had become.  i gave my dog away because i could no longer care for her.  my friend who took her has been one of my angels.  i will forever be grateful to her.

just as i will forever be grateful for the beautiful friends i have made online.  & i am grateful to the few people who have remained in my life out of obligation & who have helped to provide all of the things i can’t do for myself.  it is hard for them to see what i have become.  i wish to be no burden on anyone.  i yearn to set them free.

& i am sorry to who i have hurt.  who i let into my life at a time of deep illness, thinking i could be something/someone more than i am.  that i could still be capable of things like love. never did i wish to cause pain.  i so pray that with letting go will come healing.

then the last thing i need to do is set myself free.  i pray for courage.  & some measure of dignity.

to those i love & who love me – you are forever in my heart.  always with peace. always with love.

12605447_10207360616208036_4078985089793467893_o    12647479_10207360599967630_9111858349329212576_n


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