a recent medication trial has left me sicker & as part of that i’m really light sensitive, making computer work harder than it already was for me. it’s also impacted my ability to look outside. & that has been hard. i keep hoping things will calm down. i’m in rest & blindfolded the majority of the time hoping that this will help ease the severity of the recent symptoms. & i’m struggling with the inevitable emotional aspects that come when i find myself sinking deeper.
it made me think of one of my favorite poems by ellen bass:
“The Thing Is”
from Mules of Love
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.