2 years ago on this day, i collapsed into severe ME. earlier on that day i had walked trixie & posted the photo on fb with the caption: “every walk is the best. walk. ever.”
that 1st year, while higher functioning than i now am, was filled with grief & despair & the profound emotional pain of a collapsing marriage.
several months in, i asked my husband to leave. & i thought, with peace, will come healing. i didn’t think i would return to my old life. but i had hopes that i could reclaim some quality of life.
minutes turned to days to weeks to months. there would be glimmers of light & then the darkness again. at each corner, each season, each glimpse – i held hope for better. my last glimpse at better was in the fall & i lost it in december. & have continued to sink deeper into the disease.
& yet each day i wake up & hope…. that the new day may bring those pieces of perhaps better. of perhaps reclamation.
today, on this anniversary, from this vantage point, i am feeling a turning. the peace of what is, no matter how difficult, is always elusive. it lands & then it leaves again. on my 1st year severe anniversary, i wrote something on fb. part of it said:
“my dear friend michelle told me, “you will never again move through the world in the same way. but you will find new ways.”
i am still looking for those ways.
joseph campbell said, “we must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
i am trying. to reach that acceptance. to find meaning in a life that feels like continual annihilation. to transform the suffering into something noble or wise or brave.
in the end as pieces of me continue to shed… i can only pray that what remains will somehow be love.”
if this is to be my life, may it be so….
& for the record, every walk truly was the best walk ever.