every walk

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2 years ago on this day, i collapsed into severe ME.  earlier on that day i had walked trixie & posted the photo on fb with the caption: “every walk is the best. walk. ever.”

that 1st year, while higher functioning than i now am, was filled with grief & despair & the profound emotional pain of a collapsing marriage.

several months in, i asked my husband to leave.  & i thought, with peace, will come healing.  i didn’t think i would return to my old life.  but i had hopes that i could reclaim some quality of life.

minutes turned to days to weeks to months.  there would be glimmers of light & then the darkness again.  at each corner, each season, each glimpse – i held hope for better.  my last glimpse at better was in the fall & i lost it in december.  & have continued to sink deeper into the disease.

& yet each day i wake up & hope…. that the new day may bring those pieces of perhaps better.  of perhaps reclamation.

today, on this anniversary, from this vantage point, i am feeling a turning.  the peace of what is, no matter how difficult, is always elusive.  it lands & then it leaves again.  on my 1st year severe anniversary, i wrote something on fb.  part of it said:

“my dear friend michelle told me, “you will never again move through the world in the same way. but you will find new ways.”

i am still looking for those ways.

joseph campbell said, “we must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”

i am trying. to reach that acceptance. to find meaning in a life that feels like continual annihilation. to transform the suffering into something noble or wise or brave.

in the end as pieces of me continue to shed… i can only pray that what remains will somehow be love.”

if this is to be my life, may it be so….

& for the record, every walk truly was the best walk ever.

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