this will be my 3rd spring with severe ME. each spring has found me in worse condition than the prior spring.
when i ended my marriage that 1st year, i knew it would leave me sicker. & it left me with no safety net. with no family to take care of me & no money for a caregiver, i told myself that all i could do is endure until i could no longer do so. at which point i would take my own life.
i truly believed my condition would improve. & there have been some instances of that – some reclamation of life. the last being this fall. but i lost it so fast & so easily when i relapsed.
i have steadily worsened since january. i spend my days in blindfolded rest, emerging to do a bit of online communication, to feed myself, tend to basic needs. i keep shedding things, a familiar process after living so long with this illness. yet i keep sinking.
i am at that place now, the one i made my vow about…. of losing the ability to care for myself. but though my quality of life is so low, i do not want to die yet. not in spring.
i close my eyes again, grateful that today i can hear the rain.